I'm still here

It's been a while and I haven't kept current. Of course, I haven't instituted any changes in exercise or eating patterns yet, so there is little to say. However, I do feel on the brink ... of something ... a substitute for food, maybe? Ah, nourishment from music, perhaps?

Sure, if I put less calorie-rich food in my stomach as well.

But it is tiring to only think about doing something ... and then to beat myself up for not actually doing anything. Yeah, yeah. Forgive myself and step forward.

Cheese

Well, it's really hard to let go of cheese. I'm not quite there yet. Perhaps when I run out, I can keep from purchasing more of the "wrong" kind.

It so is ... satisfying.

Oops!

I knew my cholesterol was going to be high ... way high, and I was right. When my insurance situation changed, I stopped getting lipitor -- pricey. I resent paying for something that can hurt my liver. If so many people are taking it, why is it still so expensive? So, it's been over a year without lipitor.

The doctor called me at work. My thyroid pill will be stronger, and I agreed to a pill to reduce cholesterol if it was generic and not so expensive as lipitor ... I'm a little stubborn, plus I'm funds challenged at the moment and trying to be conscious of what I'm spending and where ... I've been spending more than I've been bringing in. But, that's another story.

Anyway, my overall cholesterol was 343, with the triglycerides at 314 and the "bad" cholesterol at 227. I guessed I probably had to do something proactive. Time to do my part.

me: You're worried about me. (statement)
doctor: Yes.
me: (thinking ... wow, someone cares ... yeah, yeah, I know, my daughter and son care ... wow, someone cares) Okay, I'll take medicine, but I want generic lipitor.
doctor: I'll call it in. I'll send you paperwork for blood work in 8-10 weeks.
me: Okay, I'll actually do it this time ... and when I'm supposed to.

Of course, this means I need to take a look at my eating patterns ... My primary source of cholesterol is real cheese ... a main staple since I'm practically a vegetarian. I know my body would produce cholesterol on it's own, but for all I know, it might be getting most from cheese. I figure it's up to me to be thoughtful with my body. So, what can I eat that's yummy if I'm not eating cheese?

I guess I'll figure it out.

But I'm not, repeat NOT, fixing anything. There's nothing wrong with me! I'm just looking at things in a new way.

A New View

I removed my little ostrich head from the sand and did some things I've been putting off. I was engaged in unadulterated procrastination

Did the follow-up at the Doctor's office on blood pressure and went and had blood work done. Drank plenty of water so I wouldn't be a dried up prune and have no blood to fill their little tubes.

I've had an epiphany of sorts. Refer to my main blog more pearls than whine for the details. I'm taking a new approach:

There is nothing wrong with me! (See more pearls than whine blog for the background.) That is my new credo. I will flash that thought in my face anytime I feel the urge to condemn myself through habit. I guess it's retraining.

My stress level is already reduced ... because there's nothing wrong with me at all ... and you know? There never was!

Is there such a thing as a retroactive effect? Why not! Anything is possible.

Too painful for words

I must start.

This is the process ... and it's an agonizing one. Suddenly ... in a magical instant, I will cross that line and it will be effortless ... total flow. Maybe the process is similar to dying. Once you cross the threshold, the pain is gone.

I feel like a bloated pig

I am not pleased with myself. Just call me roley poley, too fat for my own good. Why can't I just start a new trend? What is keeping me from just taking that step ... to cross the line from eating pretty much anything I want ... to conscious eating that limits calories and fats? What is my freakin' problem?

Am I waiting until I absolutely can't stand it anymore? If that's what I've been waiting for ... feeling too disgusted for words, I just might have reached that point. Stop haranguing yourself and just take action!

Benchmark

Well, I weighed in and measured ... shudder.

Okay ... my starting point of reference.